Split Peas

Never trust a word unless the words
are coming from her
Never able to question her motives
though she scrutinized my own.
I didn't know she had anxieties
I didn't know I had my own
Then came the day my child was born.

I feared for myself,
for himself,
because it took them a second to smile,
they banged the dished too loud,
they forgot to say hello.

These thoughts were all my own.

But the machine churning them was not something that was just born
It came from her

I believed every word she said.
I was smart, I was lazy, very needy
Until I dared to utter names back to her
You ignore us, you need us, you talk to us
when it is a convenience to you.
So, I've split you.

I was told  the splitting was something done subconsciously
To help me understand what was going on when she
Would do things and say things that contradicted the peace
I believe  she tried to give to me
I understand her and I don’t
and it’s that confusion that has me searching through my own webs of vines
Because I don’t want to be another pea split by her sprout.


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